Miscellaneous

Lazy.  That's what you call someone that posts one tidbit every quarter.  Hello, I am lazy, nice to meet you.

And this post isn't so much a work of art or a spew of vitriol... It's more of an update.

The home front

I mentioned here and here we were trying to build a house.  And while the schedule has been oh-so-lax and not-quite-met... I believe it is actually about to begin.  There's a plan.  There's a builder.  There's a rough outline drawn on the ground with my truck parked in the "garage."  Now, building a house is probably not all that unique, so I probably won't be leaving updates here every 3 hours (unless there is something particularly interesting to post).  For friends/family/stalkers I'll try to keep a running set of photos on Picasa.  Other disinterested parties may silently ignore that.

I would, for the record, like to point out the builder selection process:

• Builder 1 - hired to draw plans and bid on the house.  Copied/pasted plans from a web site.  Fired.
• Builder 2 - Seems.   Like.  A.  Nice.  And.  Honest.  Guy.  That.  Talks.  A.  Little.  Slow.  For the record, I'd like to mention that 2 out of 4 times I have been to his office, I had car trouble bad enough that I had to be towed home.  No, this was not the same car.  Jinx?
• Builder 3 - Seemslikeareallyniceguythattalksreallyfastanddrinkstoomuchcoffee.  We actually went a few rounds with him, telling him how we wanted to do some of our own work and he mysteriously just decided (weeks into this) to stop returning our phone calls.  Nutjob?  Or stringing us along?  Who cares.  Fired.
• Builder 4 - The most highly recommended builder by the girl that eventually drew our plans (not by the copy-paste method).  "He would build my house," she said.  Then we talked to several subcontractors that slowly shook their heads no.  "He doesn't pay his bills and you cannot ever get him on the phone."  Fired.
• Builder 5 - A slick used car salesman that deals in 2x4's and plywood.  I was ready to leave the office about the time I shook his hand.  Fired.

From the above, you can probably deduce we went with Builder 2.  If you're still wondering about the possible jinx, I'd also mention his office caught on fire about a week before we signed with him.

The Chambers

Ellie May has had the idea for several years that she wanted a shiny new (old) Chambers range in her kitchen.  We even drew the plans with the odd sized hole in the cabinets for it.  We've been watching Ebay/Craigslist for over a year, bid on a few and never found the right one at the right price.  And then they fell out of the sky.  Last week we found 2 of them for the price of 1.  Neither is pristine by any means, but they're both mostly complete and I feel certain I can build one working stove out of the 2.  I'll also have a spot on Picasa for the restoration of these guys... and possibly have some blog entries here as there do seem to be a crazy bunch of rabid fans (Ellie included).

Suggestions for naming the ranges are now being taken.

Net Neuter Reality

Geeks everywhere clamor for "Net Neutrality".  Don't tread on me... or my data.  And if the FCC has their way that'll be exactly what happens.  My guess: it isn't going to make the geeks happy.  It's a nice slogan to rally behind... but the reality is quite different.

The geeky idea here is that the evil ISPs are stepping all over their packets and making life miserable for them all for the idea that some premium corporate service gets better tubes than you do.  Or that evil ISPs will block their competition just upstream of YOUR HOUSE.  And, in a way, they're right.  There are little bits of truth here.  Very little. 

Truth is a modern ISP probably has multiple services going on: web, email, DNS, ftp, voice, video and a whole host of unimaginable data services... maybe even burglar alarms, traffic lights, surveillance cameras...  And while you may think your traffic is more important than mine, it turns out the importance isn't so much a perspective of whose data it is, but what kind.

If you are sitting around in your underwear surfing the web, you are dealing with very interactive data.  Click... ebay.  Click... amazon.  Click... porn.  Click... order a pizza.  While it's cool that the time between "click" and "porn" is small... it isn't critical to the operation.  If it takes half a second or three-quarters of a second... it doesn't really matter.

Voice and video are different.  If you have an  stream of Grey's Anatomy that is redrawing your screen (which is possibly 1,920×1,080 little dottie bits) 24 times a second...  and you miss a half a second.... that's very different.  You'll get little sparkley bits of frozen crap on the screen. 

The same is true of your phone call.  If little parts get delayed or dropped out... I'll start stuttering and -ou wi-- -ear --ly -arts of --e --nversat--n.

Now, enter government.  They'll fix it.  They fix everything.  They argue that since they're regulating telephone and television... it just makes sense.  Of course, telephone was built as a government mandated monopoly back in the days of Ma Bell.  The regulation was in trade for a guaranteed sack of cash.  Television operated on radio waves the government stepped in and decided they owned...  ISPs, on the other hand, built their own networks with their own money... and it is not something that is cheap to build. 

ISPs hauling huge mounds of data (video, telephones, etc) from place to place and they're renting you the part they have left over.  In short, Disney is subsidizing your internet access cost in exchange for the ability for you to watch the latest sitcom on ABC.  Net neutrality wants to make all data equal... and the only way it can do that is to make the pipes bigger or the data smaller.

Do you want fewer TV channels?  Do you want more fast busy signals?  Lower resolution TV shows?  Do you want higher cost access fees to subsidize bigger pipes?  Stuttery voice conversations?  Frozen TV shows?  These are the trade offs that will come, in some combination, with true protocol agnostic networks.

Think back.  What has been the most growth intensive thing in your lifetime?  What has changed the landscape more than anything?  For me, it's clearly the internet.  Was it built on the bones of a government network?  Sure.  But that network grew at a snail's pace until it fell in the unregulated hands of the private sector.  And it has made more money for more people than could have ever been imagined.  Why, in your wildest dreams, would anyone think pulling it under federal controls would help?

the Parable

I have decided the parable has become a lost literary art. I would like to revive it.

There was once a geeky guy named Zeke. Yes, he was Zeke the Geek. He tended to sometimes be a little shy and sometimes had difficulty talking to and meeting girls. Yet, he was an intelligent, successful guy in his own way. He wasn't overly wealthy, but he did alright.

One day he was sitting at home alone, petting his dog Muskrat. He thought to himself "Zeke," (because he often addressed himself by his first name when he talked to himself), "you need to get out more. You should go to a nice bar and have a drink amongst the company of humans."

And so, Zeke did. He picked a very nice quiet bar with lots of mohagany and walnut. Zeke walked right up and sat on a prominant stool and ordered himself a Gin and Tonic. Yes, this was nice. This was living.

It wasn't long until a very attractive dark haired beauty walked into the bar. There were barstools everywhere... and yet, to his surprise, she sat right by him. She ordered herself a wine fizzleflop and slowly sipped on the straw.

There were glances. Smiles. She eventually spoke to him.

"My name is Allison."

"Hi, I am Zeke."

They started talking. Oddly enough they had things in common.

Allison, like Zeke was sort of an oddball geek. She was into computers. She liked dogs. She was a little shy.

At one point, the conversation turned to cars. Zeke loved cars. He giggled and said "My favorite all time car ever is an Aston-Martin. I'd do anything to get a chance to drive a DB-9. It would make me feel just like James Bond."

"No way. I have a DB-9."

Zeke just laughed. "Oh, yeah, like you have one parked right outside."

Allison was a little defensive. "I do, in fact."

"You have a $180,000 car parked outside?"

"Sure. I've done really well writing computer games. And I inherited a ton of money from my uncle. I'd even let you drive it if you really want."

"You're serious?"

"Yes," she said, drawing the keys out of her purse. The winged Aston Martin insignia could be seen on a prominent key. Smiling, Allison handed him the key ring and said, "Drive it around for about 30 minutes. Have fun."

Zeke was smiling like a child. He was giddy.... almost woozy. He started to giggle, not believing this was happening to HIM. This was the best day ever!

"So I can just take it? And drive it around? Really?"

"Really."

He stood up. His shaking hand reached out and gingerly took the key. He stood up straight and tall, full of pride and waltzed out the front door of the bar.

A few moments passed.... and then Zeke walked back in and handed the keys back to Allison.

"Is there a problem?" she asked.

"It's blue. I like red."

And with that, Zeke happily turned down a chance to drive something he had always wanted to drive and could never own. He was happy with his decision. He walked out the front door and went home to his faithful dog Muskrat.

The End

Oh, and on a totally unrelated note. I was told that in the modern dating scene men have no interest in dating women with pubic hair.

A little housekeeping

This is just a little bit of an update for those that actually know me. [ I've found the vast majority of my "fans" are drive-bys that are presumably at work, bored to tears and are just clicking "next blog, next blog, next blog, next blog" in an effort to make it to 5 o'clock. ] At the first of the year, in between the spittle-spewing rants, I actually mentioned my goal for the year was to move out of my Unabomber tool shed and into a real honest-to-goodness house -- like one with real walls and a roof and a real central HVAC system. And, to add to that goal: to do it all on a cash flow basis.

Well, I'm pretty sure that it's not going to happen this year, but we are at least getting close -- well, close to starting anyway. We do now have finalized plans. Let the builder bidding begin.

Mark Zuckerberg stole my ideas

Mark Zuckerberg stole my ideas. He owes me $171 million. Sure, I pulled that number out of my ass, but it'd keep my belly full of pork products for the rest of my days -- so it seems about right.

As you'll learn over the next few weeks (after the release of Facebook: The Movie) that Mr. Zuckarski has a reputation for stealing of ideas. And he's surely stolen mine.

Think about it. What do you think of when you think of something on teh intarwebs that is:

• useless
• about nothing
• a time waster
• a senseless self promotion

Facebook? Or SporkInTheEye? Or both? Coincidence? I think not!

Oh sure, you may point out that the origins of Facebook were in 2004 and the beginnings of the holy Spork were in 2006, but I don't think that's enough evidence. You're forgetting that this guy has a net worth of about $7 billion dollars... I'm relatively sure this is enough to purchase a time machine in order to steal my business plan. If only I had figured out a way to make money with my implementation. If only.

First, Zuckerello tries to win on traffic flow alone. As of July, 2010 the estimated users on facebook was about 500 million. Now I don't have access to his logs to compare that with my own traffic, but if I do a little estimation, I think he may be getting more hits than me. I cannot say for sure... but I think he is.

And if that wasn't enough, he now is trying to trump me on uselessness. First he introduced a new method of data mining where people VOLUNTEERED their most personal information to applications written by absolute strangers he wasn't paying... And today he is going to announce he is giving $100 million to the Newark public school system. Damn, Zuckophaleese... you pulled ahead of me. You are now King Useless. I bow before you.

Let's put this in perspective, shall we? The Newark Public School system is terrible -- with a 51% graduation rate. Their mission statement must be "We be better than Cleveland." The whole system was seized and taken over by the state in 1995 for its supreme waste and mismanagement. Clearly, this is a money problem, right? Zuckonnel to the rescue!

Well, maybe not. The nationwide cost per student runs about $8,000. Hell, the smell-my-bootie private school here in town runs $10,000 per year. Newark about doubles that at $19,000. Nationwide teacher salaries average around $40k. But the poor educators in Newark are forced to live on a measly average pay of $63k. (And DON'T you bitch at me about poor underpaid teachers. Remember that this is a 9 month contract, not a year. If you adjust this to the 12 month year most of us work, it works out to an equivalent $88k.)

Zuckeroo falls into the same stupid hole that so many consumers (and 99.9% of politicians) fall into: If something isn't working, throw money at it. At least he's not borrowing to do it. But jeez: for $100M you could build a moat of private schools around all those failing public schools -- and let all the kids attend for free. My crystal ball says: In 1-5 years you'll see a fine new batch of controversy, cronyism and embezzelment surrounding this.

Uselessness of Spork: 0; Zuckminster Abby: 1