Let me tell you a story.  There isn't a snarky punchline.  There isn't a lesson to be learned.  It's just a story.

There was once a computer geek that worked in a big city.  His office had a huge plate glass window in it... probably 60 feet long from floor to ceiling.  One day while working he noticed a momma cat outside, nursing a tiny kitten.  This was not in a residential area and she was struggling to catch enough food to produce the milk for the kitten.  So the geek put out cat food for her.

Momma was wild.  Very wild.  And the kitten, orange with swirly stripes, became wild too.  No amount of coaxing or talking would draw her out.  Time went by... the only way the kitten would allow the geek to approach was through the plate glass window -- where if he dangled a string (or a frayed bit of CAT5 cable) she would play with it through the window.

As momma cats do...  Momma got pregnant again... and had another litter of kittens, leaving the kitten alone.  She did not know how to hunt.  She was helpless.  And Momma had to send her away to raise the next batch.

So the geek trapped her.  She was probably about 9 months old by now and extremely wild.  And every said you just can't tame a feral cat.  Once they are wild... it's over.

Like I said, there is no moral here... no punchline... no snark.  That scrawny scared feral kitten passed away today at the too-young age of almost 12.  She spent 9 months living on the hard streets, became an indoor cat and never looked back.  Bye Lucy.

Rodentia: the battle of wits between man and beast

My life has been full of pitiful, awful, failed attempts to outsmart rodents.

I am hoping to add to that list.

To date I have concocted:

• La Camera de la Rata - a junky, broken laptop hooked up to an outdated web cam pointed at a rat trap in the attic. The drivers were not available except on some South American warez site -- and only in Spanish. Quieres reiniciar? Si / No. No photos of anything but the tremors caused by the AC kicking on and off.
• The Spörd - inspired by a Swedish friend. The Swedish Pool of Rat Destruction. A rolling platform baited with peanut butter and suspended over a drowning pool of deadly antifreeze. Utter. And. Complete. Failure.
• The Mole Funnel - aka Project Fudd. A lame attempt to force the mole to go through the damn trap instead of going around it. This made me fall into daily affirmations: I am smarter than a rodent. I am smarter than a rodent.
• And now I hear the words in my head again... "Wile. E. Coyote: Super Genius." Yes, in a burst of glory, I will now catch that last damn mouse in the shop with.... "Mickey's Bar and Grill." Pure genius, this is. The first four mice were just average every day Joe's. Hard working fellas that just wanted to come home to some peace and quiet. They fell to the normal mouse trap like man lured by pork products. But the last guy... the last guy is smart. Very smart. Two days have passed. And each day he licks the peanut butter off 6 traps like they were mere mice cream cones full of butter pecan. Oh but I will get you Smarty Mouse. I will get you.

  I have cleverly taken all 6 traps... and grouped them around one ice cold glass of beer. (I almost cannot type this without giggling... the smile frozen on my face... he will be mine.) Smarty Mouse will either get drunk and drown in his own beer... or stumble off to the missus and weave into one of my traps when his senses are dulled by the demon alchohol. I am unsure about the sex and the sexual orientation of Smarty Mouse. I considered placing a gaudy sign above the beer: "Live nude rodents" -- complete with lifelike animatronic silicone implanted female mice. My one worry here was that this might actually be some sort of overzealous feminist mouse. My lure might actually anger her, causing mouse protests in my shop -- maybe even little mousitov cocktails. No, this was too serious to submit it to this kind of risk. It must just be a friendly little place. A place where every rodent knows your name.

I will keep you posted...

[ updates in the comments section ... ]

Calling all wieners

Ellie Mae has started an attempt at a timewaster blog -- you know, the kind that businesses hate because their employees just have to check Cute Overload one more time before they get back to work. There isn't much content there... and the hope is that the dregs of society (i.e. "the internet") will supply the majority of the content.

So if you have a wienerdog, know a wienerdog, or even love a wienerdog... check out Long Little Doggy. And if you would like to see your favorite wienerdog's face become famous by being on teh interwebs... well send it in.

Howl O weener thoughts

In general, in addition to being a cheap ass bastard, I am also a lazy ass bastard. I can be all sorts of different bastards when I try.

When it comes to Halloween, I usually err on the side of laziness. One year I cut arm, leg and head holes in a garment bag and went as "Sam Sonite." Another year I draped myself in Christmas garland and lights and went as "Kathy's Christmas tree.^[1]" There was only one year that I actually planned ahead. That was the year I went as "John Boy.^[2]"

So when Ellie Mae mentioned a pet costume contest, nothing came to mind. And I wasn't all that thrilled about going.... until she told me two of my favorite celebrities were going to be contest judges: Bill and Star. If you don't know Bill and Star then that means you didn't watch the summer reality show "Greatest American Dog." I watched -- mostly because I am a dog nut. But once it started Ellie and I were hooked on Bill and Star. Both were so likable.

So, being a lazy ass bastard... and a big kiss up, I immediately came up with the easiest and best costume. We went as Bill and Star.

Here you see me, my little buddy Arlo posing in costume with Bill and Star.I might also mention that my pandering made them add a category for the judging. Here is Arlo modeling his winning T-shirt for 3rd prize in the "let's just make something up" category.

Footnotes

^[1] The previous year Kathy had a halloween party and we noticed she still had her Christmas tree up. Yes, from the previous year. No, it was not an artificial tree.
^[2]

Aww Nuts!

I'd like to take a moment to talk about house building. In particular, choices of building materials and location. And by location, I don't mean zip code. What I mean is where on the lot do you orient the house?
For example: if your lot contains a 250 year old massive hickory tree. I would suggest you build a little bit away from it. This is so you get a chance to view its massive size and beauty.
And on the materials side of things: lets talk roofing materials. A metal roof is the way to go. Lightweight and lasts you years and years.
Now, if you were to take my advice on the metal roof, but ignore my advice on locating your residence -- then you would land right where I am now. I sit and sleep beneath several thousand pounds of harder-than-oak hardwood. And even more importantly, I sit beneath several hundreds of pounds of hickory nuts.
If you've never seen a hickory nut, let me describe it to you. Think of it as a one inch plug cut out of a 2x4. This time of year it is wrapped in a green sheath that is about 1/4 inch thick and still lush. This makes a heavy chunk of wood in the tree dangling above your head.
So, lets review what we have established so far: big ass tree posed to crush me and a ton of little 2x4 chunks all dangling from little brittle threads. This time of year they are starting to fall. It sounds approximately like a gunshot. Sure, you get a little bit used to it. But even if you are used to it, this is a 90th percentile. One time out of ten you are still going to be surprised. It will be when your hands are deep in the electrical panel -- sounding like the pop of a crossed wire. Or when your head is just under the hood of the car, making you jump and bonk it hard. Or when you think you are being sneaky and are stealthily creeping up behind your wife.
Now, let us introduce another variant. If you had such a bit of property already build improbably close to the largest tree in a 1000 foot radius... Don't build a dog pen right next to it. Why, you might ask? Well, dogs (dachshunds in particular) are known to hate squirrels. And squirrels are known to hate dogs. And squirrels are known to get hungry. And squirrels are known to eat nuts. What this creates is a vast amount of negative potential energy: An angry squirrel loaded with ammo sitting 100 feet above an obnoxious dog.

And I live and sleep in the crossfire.

being obsessive

Okay, I am a little worried.

A little back story here... So these 2 bastard stray dogs show up a week ago. And I, being stupid, have really fallen for them.

And just a little after falling for them, Ellie and I both realize: we really cannot keep them. While we have plenty of room for them outside, we have no fence beyond a 30x40 pen. And inside, well we are 2 humans, 3 cats and 2 small dogs living in 600 square feet. Its cozy. And while they spent the greater part of the first 4 days hanging very close to us, they have now started exploring the rural neighborhood. And pissing off the neighbors. Oh, and did I mention they are heart worm positive? Freaking great. So they have either been "on the lam" for months (according to the vet) or they have been living with someone that has not bothered to give them basic minimal care.

And tonight, for the first time in a week, they missed a meal. So now I sit and worry about dogs that aren't even mine and I cannot even keep.

If they miss our morning walk (and breakfast) tomorrow, I am going to be seriously worried.

[EDIT 9:30am 9/8] ...and this makes me officially worried. Having never missed a meal in a week, they now have missed 2. Harold would forgo a meal anytime -- especially if he could get affection instead of food. Maude on the other hand does not appear to be a girl that misses meals -- both in her stature and her actions.

And they missed the walk this morning. This was a concept that appeared so new and cool to them that I cannot imagine they would miss it. It was clearly the most fun they had all day.

[EDIT 5:00pm 9/8] An odd ending to the story. So when the dogs left here Sunday, they went home. They live about a mile from here. Probably less as the crow flies (or the dog roams). The dogs real owner called our vet (seeing as the dogs now had tags) and through the vet got in touch with us. He reimbursed us for the veterinary bills and was quite shocked to learn that his dogs had heart worms.

If you've tuned out, this is where you should start listening. These dogs were treated monthly with Revolution (which we also use). The real owner was told (after the fact) that the dogs must stay dry for 24 hours after application. Well, the dogs live near a 10 acre lake and swim every day rain or shine. Be warned: revolution washes off.

So Harold (Sam) and Maude (Daisy) are home.

named... not just for DNS

[Edit: most recent followup]

No, Named is also for Name Dog. Yes, fans, that's right. Our first (and hopefully only) dog naming contest is now in session.

As you may have found out from Ellie Mae, we have been blessed by the gods of the unwanted. Living in the country makes you a target for doggie dumpers. And having a soft spot for dogs doesn't help. We had 2 wander up over the weekend... and they are still here. Guess what? I think we are theirs.

We are trying to think of names.... One is a female golden retriever. Not ancient, but no spring chicken either.The other looks either like a dog instance of a clown... or maybe a doggie instance of Tommy Chong. We even considered calling him Steve (from Steve Buscemi's character in Fargo, who was described as "Funny looking. You know, in a general sort of way.") He might be a sheared old English sheepdog. Or just a funny looking stoner dog.
So, we need names. 2 of them. Gotta match these faces. Ready, set, go.

So far we have:

explanation	boy	girl
Current Frontrunner	Harold	Maude
unix theme	ellis (ls)	perl
Andy Griffith	Goober or Barney	Bea
Simpsons	Bart	Lisa
Seinfeld	Kramer	Elaine
Fawlty Towers	Basil	Sybil
Liquor	Bailey/Jack/Glen (Morangie)	Brandy
Tractor	John (Deere)	Allis (Chalmers)
Zappa	Dweezil	Moon
Linux	Debian/Slax	Suse
Gilligans Island	Gilligan	Maryanne
Batman	Joker	(Poison) Ivy
Peanuts	Linus	Patty
Ozzie	Ozzie	Sharon
Authors	Seuss	??
Lucy Show	Ricky/Fred	Lucy/Ethel
	Russel	Goldie
	George	Gracie
	Chuck (UP! Chuck)	Syndrome (Down, Syndrome)
Pickles	Earl	Opal
Storms	Gustav	Hannah
Political	Bill/John	Sarah/Hillary (I can hear the jokes now)