Friday, December 11, 2009

That Pesky War on Christmas

Ahh... 'Tis the season for beautiful lights, secret presents and... self persecution. Yes, it's the magical time of year where a whole bunch of crazies stand up, lick their imaginary wounds and declare they are going to fight against... the war on Christmas.

Well, let me let you in on a teeny tiny little secret: there isn't one. There never has been one. It's all in your head.

Just because some greeter at Wal-Mart says "Happy Holidays" to you does not, in fact, mean he is on a jihad to wrestle your beloved religious beliefs out of your cold dead hands. It could mean lots of things. It could mean that saying the same "Merry Christmas" phrase over and over for 8 hours in a day is dull and tedious. It could mean that the corporation wants to sell trinkets to Christians, Jews, Muslims, and anyone that will fork over cash. It's not anti-Christian to say "Happy holidays" nor is it anti-Christian to say "Happy Hanukkah". I could take the extreme opposite approach and say your hatred of the Capitalist free market system this country was built upon is a war on Capitalism -- you commie pinko.

If, in fact, someone were to wage a war on Christmas, it wouldn't be by saying "I hope everyone has a nice time regardless of their religion". It would probably be in making fun of the whole story in the first place. You know -- virgin birth, seeing apparitions, stars leading wise kings around at night. This sort of thing just doesn't make sense and no sane person in modern times has seen this sort of thing occur. (Don't you scoff at the headlines in the National Enquirer ever! Alien babies are no less possible than an army of angels floating in the sky.) A war on Christmas would be in pointing out the worship of said birthday is really not part of the Bible, nor is there any reason that December was arbitrarily chosen other than as an invented holiday to coincide with the god-awful pagan solstice celebration.

As far as Christmas goes, it's a relatively new holiday, even if your earth is only 6000 years old. Remember that in the 19th century puritans strongly forbade their people to worship it -- as it was such an icky awful heathen tradition. Even in the god-fearin' US of A it has only officially been a holiday since 1894. That's only 2% of your 6000 year old planet's age. (Or 0% of my planet's near infinite age.)

And surely Christians must loathe Bing Crosby for his Christ killing 1948 hit "Happy Holidays" ... and don't get me started on the new-fangled hate in those new age "holiday songs" that ignore our beloved savior -- like "Deck the Halls", "Auld Lang Syne", "The Holiday Season", "Good King Wenceslas", "Jingle Bells", "O Christmas Tree" and "The 12 Days of Christmas". These all avoid the Christian message and do nothing but spawn Satanists and Muslims and Commie atheists.

So... this is just a reminder that probably needs to be sent out once a year now: the entire world is not out to forcibly squash your religion. In fact, many of us non-believers would probably go to pretty extreme lengths to protect your right to do something we think is ... well, rather silly. Calm down. Take deep breaths. Remember that you are 80% of the population of the USA and 100% of the governing body of the US. There is no one persecuting you. Get back in your Ford and be Bob of Taurus, not Paul of Tarsus.


bigjohn756 said...

Aren't these the same people who spend 365 days a year telling everyone they can that their god is the only one. Then, when someone else dares suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, it would be good to say happy holidays and include others in this joyous season of crass commercialism, these same people collapse into a mewling puddle of whimpering protoplasm whining about how mistreated they are. But, then, perhaps, I am being somewhat insensitive.

Anonymous said...

Obviously you are not a Christain. If you were, you would be wise enough to know there wouldn't even be a Christmas/"holiday" season without Christ and the whole story of Jesus' birth! Why do you think it is called CHRISTmas!!!!!

If you want capitalism and free speach to be respected then let people decide what they say instead of forbidding saying Merry Christmas

Spork In the Eye said...

I could give a rat's ass if someone says "Merry Christmas". Where did I forbid it? I was poking fun at idiots that think "happy holidays" is a war on Christmas. I see you meet the criteria.

...and why do I think it's called Christmas? Because the Catholic Church called it that when they wanted to recruit pagans. They took an existing pagan holiday and existing pagan traditions and renamed the deity in the story to Jesus. The holiday was around many years before Jesus. It included virgin birth and evergreen trees. In fact, it's pretty recently celebrated. Puritans wouldn't celebrate it because it was such an awful Pagan celebration.