ANNOUNCEMENT: First sporadically periodic photo captioning contest!

I would call it "first annual." But there are a bunch of things wrong with that. The obvious is the picky gripe that the first in a series is not the "first annual." There actually has to be 2 of them to qualify. (I am still guilty on that charge.) Secondly, annual seems like a long ass time. And third: I find it really hard to tie myself down to a calendar based schedule. It just is not me. Maybe it should be the "first occasional." I don't know -- but its the first, anyway.

The prize: bragging rights that you are, in fact, the wiener.
The reason: I saw this at The Walmarts¹ parking lot. The absolute flood of smartass captions to this photo was so huge that I thought my head might actually asplode. I had to sit right down, set my milk on the asphalt and breathe into the plastic bag to settle down my hyperventilation.
The rules: Rules? Why do we need rules. It's not like there's a real prize or anything. Enter as often as you like. Have your friends, relatives, pets, enemies and livestock enter. I don't care. It is a blank canvas. Please scrawl on it with spray paint like you're spraying graffiti. Pull up your damn pants. Besides, if there were rules, I would probably change them as the contest went along...

The photo

Ah, the Jesus Gas Cap. My god, it's beautiful. And Jesus must be so honored to be proudly displayed here... in a place of honor.

Let me get you started:

• Jesus cries every time you use fossil fuels: Dinosaur juice doesn't exist and the world is 6000 years old. Drive a horse.

By the way: I am still waiting on the "Bathtub Jesus" photos that were promised to me so so long ago.

¹If you live in the country, you absolutely must pronounce it this way. It must be preceded by 'the' and must be plural. Period.

Spork's Congressional Proposal

I have been biting my lip for a couple of days. You see, there is this idiot in congress.... (Hold on. I crack myself up. As if there was one idiot in congress...) Anyway, there's this idiot in congress that wants to make it illegal for your cell phone to take pictures without going 'click'.

I think everyone's first thought is "oh good. We've solved all the other problems in the world. Now we can finally fix those pesky unclicking cameras."

The proposal is supposedly going to stop exploiting children. Mmmkay. Sure. The obvious answer to me is to make child porn illegal instead of legislating the crappy pixilated camera market. Oh wait -- It seems child porn is already illegal. Weird.

This is a fine example of just how out of touch congress is with technology. In fact, it seems like they should generally keep their grubby paws out of techie issues entirely. It's like making encryption software illegal in the 90's. (And a big "You're welcome" goes out to all the encryption software companies outside of the US that suddenly owned 100% market share.) Or like making links to illegal copies of copyrighted documents illegal. (As if me telling you "there are drugs for sale on the east side of town" is equivalent to selling drugs.) Or it's similar to saying storage of child porn on a computer you manage is illegal -- when the "computer you manage" is a proxy server with 20 thousand users with their own twisted brains. (Don't arrest the guy requesting the porn -- take me instead.) Or maybe it's similar to fixing some of those previous problems with the DMCA but in the same bill making it illegal to research existing encryption technology. (You want to know what's wrong with your encryption? Sorry, it would be wrong for me to figure that out for you. I know a Hungarian hacker that would do it for you. Call him.)

...but I digress.

What congress needs is a technology advisor. I suggest they use a 14 year old boy. The reason being: the 14 year old boy has a whole lot more sense in these matters than you do. Let's imagine our Representative (Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y.) bringing up these matters to our imaginary advisor. (Let's call him Myron. He needs a geeky name.)

Rep. King: So, Myron. I've got this great idea. It will keep you from taking dirty pictures of the girls in your class. I am going to make all cell phone cameras make a click noise when they take pictures. Gotcha, didn't I?
Myron: Couldn't I just cover up the little speaker with tape?
Rep. King: Doh! I didn't think of that. Okay, in addition to the click, we're going to require an internal speaker -- a really loud one with no external holes for you to cover up.
Myron: I guess I would have to open the case and snip the wire.
Rep. King: Rats. Okay, the cell phone manufacturers will have to have a self destruct that makes the phone inoperable if you open it.
Myron: I could use one of the 15 old cell phones we have in a drawer at home.
Rep. King: We will issue immediate recall and destruction of all cell phones that don't click.
Myron: I could use my friend Sven's phone. He's an exchange student and can get me phones from overseas really cheap.
Rep. King: International travel rules will require no external cell phones ever be brought into the country.
Myron: I could fake a sneeze.
Rep. King: My god child. You're a genius. There's no way around you is there?

You get my drift. So please write your congressmen and ask for the Spork proposal for all future technology legislation.

Williams says it, then it happens

It was only yesterday when Walter Williams explained how economic stimulus works. Or doesn't. I encourage you to read it.

This morning on the news, in an ironic 60 second bit on the stimulus package we were given a startling example. Irony is always funny. But when the folks saying the irony don't realize what they've said, it is all the more fun.

The bit starts with how all the infighting is going on with the stimulus package. It tells of the woes of the previous packages. It tells of how we've given an unspecified amount of money to Citibank and how they wanted to buy a $50M dollar business jet. Lots more talk. Treasury Department convinces Citi not to buy the jet. mumble...mumble... Bipartisan...blah blah... bastard Republicans... blah blah... unyielding Democrats... yadda yadda. And then someone (I already forget who) from the Democratic party whines about how we have to pass this package now because the lack of sales have caused layoffs at Starbucks, Microsoft, Boeing, IBM, ... wait... go back. What?

Don't let me suggest that Citibank's purchase of a Falcon (made by Dassault) directly impacts the employees on a 747 line at Boeing. But it absolutely illustrates the point. Normally the tradeoff is more vague... I.e., if the government spends an extra $100 million on a bailout, there is $100 million less spent on dry cleaning or booze. Wait, scratch that. There's probably a constant spent on booze.

But in this case the government has whined about spending on airplanes and the direct visible result is people buying less airplanes. Nice.

Oh, there are so many things wrong with this picture: The Gubment should not have a say here -- but they do -- because they've dumped an unspecified amount of cash into them. Nothing the gubment does should ever be unspecified (except maybe a few national security bits and bobbles.) And what damn business do they have putting cash (specified or otherwise) into a business? A failing business I might add. Why Citibank and not Mom & Pop's Dry cleaners? (And when I say "Mom & Pop's Dry Cleaners," I mean 500,000 different Mom & Pop's Dry Cleaners.) I'll tell you why: because if Mom and Pop run their dry cleaning business badly enough to need a bailout -- they probably should be doing something else. And if they were to sell their business right damn now instead of in 18 months when it really fails, they might actually get half of their money back.

It's a stimulus you paid out, dumbasses. So when the stupid bankers use that money to stimulate the aircraft industry (which is failing and you are going to have to stimulate) you stop them. See -- irony.

Guess who?

For some odd reason, I've always liked the woodpecker. They seem particularly happy. And of all of the woodpeckers, my favorite is the pileated -- the one Woody Woodpecker was fashioned from. Ever since we moved to the woods, we've had a pair. They are very shy. They seem to have a strong mate bond (or she distrusts his cheating bastard ways). You never see one without either seeing the other or hearing the other one cackle nearby. If you've never seen one... they're pretty darn big. They are about the size of a large crow. (There is nothing in the photo to show scale... and even after watching them, when they took off I was resurprised at their wingspan.)

Before today, the closest I've ever gotten was about 50 feet -- and that was deep in the woods. But today they seem to be digging a hole in a small oak tree right outside my window. The top photo is the boy. His flaming Joker red hair is a little bit more over the top. And if you look really closely (you'll have to click on the photo) you can see a tiny little red "mustache." I had been taking his picture for about 20 minutes when the girlie showed up and joined him.

oops. He did it again

Okay, it was sort of silly that they made Obama retake the oath of office because it was slightly wrong the first time. But, for one small moment, let's assume that he needed to. If that's the case, he still isn't president.

Take One: I do solemnly swear that I will execute the Office of President of the United States faithfully, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. So help me god.

Take Two: I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. So help me god.

But... the old constitution says: I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

Take three?