Friday, December 19, 2008

Bailouts: Official change of my position

I have thought about it a little. I hate to say it. Maybe I was wrong about bailouts. Maybe they are a good thing. Now: where's mine?

No, wait. Before you just write me off, remember: these are not ordinary times. They call for different measures. Under normal circumstances, I really shouldn't get one. In the midst of a financial crisis and a recession, allowing me to collapse is not a responsible course of action. The current economy just cannot allow me to fail. If I fail, what's next? Who else will fail? The chain is endless. We must stop it now with swift and decisive government action. The government must immediately allocate $12.7 million in TARP funds for my bailout.

Doing so will increase market stability. I will agree in writing to invest 50% of the suggested $12.7 million in the US stock market. To be patriotic, none of my investment decisions will be made based on strength of the company or implied abilities of its leadership. And all investment will be in companies registered in the US. No ADR's in foreign companies will be purchased.

The remaining $6.35M dollars will be utilized to promote consumer goods. $1 million will immediately be invested in the down real estate market as a stimulus. I will build an opulent house. This will also stimulate the local government by increasing property taxes -- not only my own, but it will bring up the value of my neighbors land as well. The remaining $5.35M will be spent haphazardly over time on various consumer goods. All of them will be purchased from good ole' American stores -- again creating required stimulus. Of the $5.35M, I will spend $250,000 on tractors, farm equipment and implements. This should be a boost to the poor downtrodden family farmer. I am also seriously worried about the airline industry, given the problems they have had recently -- and really since 9/11. To attempt to boost aviation, I will immediately commit $500,000 to purchase a Beech Bonanza A36. Any monies left over from this purchase will be put back into the aviation industry in flight instruction and avgas.

I have been out of work for almost 30 months. This puts me high on the list as a prime candidate to receive this money. During this time I have not been paying significant income taxes. The $6.35M investment will generate significant capital gains tax income for the US government. This will be a superb return on their investment. It also shows the necessary compassion of the Federal government to help the unemployed. Note that I am living in a metal shed, which really does not feel like a "home". Thus, the government will also be helping the homeless.

I do not currently hold any debts. Some may see this as a problem. In order to stimulate borrowing, I also am offering to borrow an additional $2.9M at the suggested Fed interest rate of 0%. This will get the banking market moving.

I realize that commitment of this large amount of funds seems risky.... maybe even foolhardy. To keep me in line, I propose Ellie Mae be appointed immediately as Spork Czar. She will oversee the distribution of these funds and make sure I am acting in a reasonable manner. Of course, I do not expect her to do this for free. I think I can get her to take this position for about $150,000 annually. Again, this will stimulate the economy and increase tax revenue. Win - win.

I will adjust my salary, much like the automaker CEOs, to $1 annually for the remainder of my natural life. (I do not want to appear greedy.) If there is a meeting, I promise to arrive humbly. I will not take a chartered jet. I will drive my beat up 1981 Chevrolet pickup (made with American pride!) with flame decals applied only to the driver's side, rust holes in the bed and an unrepaired collision dent (from a backhoe falling on it.)

I urge you to consider this bailout. Of the $700 billion TARP funds, this paltry $12.7M is less than 2 one thousandths of a percent -- less than a drop in a bucket ... or ocean. The Wall Street money helped the white collar workers. The auto bailout helped the blue collar workers. It is time now to help the no collar workers -- those that wear only T shirts and wife-beaters.


Kari said...

You know, I hate to complain about your bailout with economic conditions being what they are, but why exactly do you get $12.5M and I only get $150k/year? Where's my bailout?

Spork In the Eye said...

2 words ma'am: community property. Now shush. You've been the Spork Czar for years with no pay. This seems like a serious upgrade to me.

Kari said...

Oh, I've paid.

Spork In the Eye said...

yes, but you've not BEEN paid.