Tuesday, May 29, 2007

More answers to viewer mail -or- Look Ma, I now have writers working for me!

flyboy writes:

You too!! I'm FAT # 14,783 (Fellowship of American Twinkiephiles). What's your number? I can sponsor you if not a member. We're a large, growing part of the American public, and those damned DOA's (Ding-dongs of America) don't stand a chance anymore (although they're still quite smug and would never admit their days are numbered). I've been so ashamed to admit it, but you have such courage to proclaim your proclivity for pre-packaged preserved perishables and palaver.

Now I see you are drinking the wrong beer with your Twinkies. That appears to be a Miller GD, best I can tell. Such beer is much too sweet and doesn't properly counter-balance the inherent sweetness of the Twinkie. A more bitter brew, such as Guinness is recommended, as well as brews with strong flavoring hops, such as Red Hook ESB and Sam Adams Boston Lager. I personally prefer Guinness. I have emailed Oprah about your faux pas and she informs me she will be airing an episode for proper Twinkie etiquette in the future... stay tuned.
I have a slight problem though, and I'm hoping I can get notes from you... I missed the last week of Oprah and don't know what I should be reading. Can you tell me what is on her approved list? I know you watch Oprah, although you still won't admit it. I believe I've had one too many Twinkies and my BHTA content is a little high, so thinking for myself is such a pain lately.... too much effort, so I need a little help here.
BTW, did you notice the flavor of batch # Z44000372X7A seemed a little 'off'? I'm not sure if you would have noticed, considering your beer choice. A slightly inferior shipment of high fructose corn syrup perhaps? I'm thinking (well, trying, anyway) of shooting off a letter to Q&A at Hostess. I've yet to receive any feedback from my FAT chapter, and, well, getting a timely response from National is probably just not gonna' happen.

There are just so many things to address in this mail that I could NOT ignore it or answer it privately. This brings up some very important issues and there are quite a number of clarifications that are desparately needed.

  • "drinking the wrong beer" with my Twinkies. I am guessing your mistake here is in your observational skills, not your taste for fine food/drink combination. This most clearly is NOT Miller Genuine Draft. It is, in fact, Miller High Life. This combination among FATs is called "Miller Low Life" and is quite the delicacy. I do hope you will try it.
  • "Spork watches Oprah." As I have addressed earlier, I DO NOT watch Oprah. Unless Dr. Oz is on, then, of course, I would watch. But other than that, I will not watch it. Oh, and the "Oprah's Favorite Things" giveaway show. That one is really fun. But this doesnt mean I watch. Dammit, I forgot: I do sometimes walk through the room when Ellie Mae is watching it. And on occasion I paused. But it was only to pet one of the dogs. I DO NOT watch Oprah.
  • "batch # Z44000372X7A". Ah yes, the "poisoned batch" as corporate calls it. Yes, I most certainly tasted the difference. If you remember, a large number of pet foods were recalled a couple of months back due to wheat gluten contaminated with melamine. Well, all that wheat gluten had to go somewhere. And where else could it safely go? Why in Twinkies of course -- where other levels of contaminants and toxins are so high that a little melamine would never be noticed. If you really attended the FAT meetings (and I am doubting you really do) I think you would probably already know this.