Tuesday, May 29, 2007

More answers to viewer mail -or- Look Ma, I now have writers working for me!

flyboy writes:

You too!! I'm FAT # 14,783 (Fellowship of American Twinkiephiles). What's your number? I can sponsor you if not a member. We're a large, growing part of the American public, and those damned DOA's (Ding-dongs of America) don't stand a chance anymore (although they're still quite smug and would never admit their days are numbered). I've been so ashamed to admit it, but you have such courage to proclaim your proclivity for pre-packaged preserved perishables and palaver.

Now I see you are drinking the wrong beer with your Twinkies. That appears to be a Miller GD, best I can tell. Such beer is much too sweet and doesn't properly counter-balance the inherent sweetness of the Twinkie. A more bitter brew, such as Guinness is recommended, as well as brews with strong flavoring hops, such as Red Hook ESB and Sam Adams Boston Lager. I personally prefer Guinness. I have emailed Oprah about your faux pas and she informs me she will be airing an episode for proper Twinkie etiquette in the future... stay tuned.
I have a slight problem though, and I'm hoping I can get notes from you... I missed the last week of Oprah and don't know what I should be reading. Can you tell me what is on her approved list? I know you watch Oprah, although you still won't admit it. I believe I've had one too many Twinkies and my BHTA content is a little high, so thinking for myself is such a pain lately.... too much effort, so I need a little help here.
BTW, did you notice the flavor of batch # Z44000372X7A seemed a little 'off'? I'm not sure if you would have noticed, considering your beer choice. A slightly inferior shipment of high fructose corn syrup perhaps? I'm thinking (well, trying, anyway) of shooting off a letter to Q&A at Hostess. I've yet to receive any feedback from my FAT chapter, and, well, getting a timely response from National is probably just not gonna' happen.

There are just so many things to address in this mail that I could NOT ignore it or answer it privately. This brings up some very important issues and there are quite a number of clarifications that are desparately needed.

  • "drinking the wrong beer" with my Twinkies. I am guessing your mistake here is in your observational skills, not your taste for fine food/drink combination. This most clearly is NOT Miller Genuine Draft. It is, in fact, Miller High Life. This combination among FATs is called "Miller Low Life" and is quite the delicacy. I do hope you will try it.
  • "Spork watches Oprah." As I have addressed earlier, I DO NOT watch Oprah. Unless Dr. Oz is on, then, of course, I would watch. But other than that, I will not watch it. Oh, and the "Oprah's Favorite Things" giveaway show. That one is really fun. But this doesnt mean I watch. Dammit, I forgot: I do sometimes walk through the room when Ellie Mae is watching it. And on occasion I paused. But it was only to pet one of the dogs. I DO NOT watch Oprah.
  • "batch # Z44000372X7A". Ah yes, the "poisoned batch" as corporate calls it. Yes, I most certainly tasted the difference. If you remember, a large number of pet foods were recalled a couple of months back due to wheat gluten contaminated with melamine. Well, all that wheat gluten had to go somewhere. And where else could it safely go? Why in Twinkies of course -- where other levels of contaminants and toxins are so high that a little melamine would never be noticed. If you really attended the FAT meetings (and I am doubting you really do) I think you would probably already know this.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Spork answers his voluminous viewer mail

I recently received an email from a "friend":

The boob tube has you??? better go get a job or soon it will be ding dongs and Opra!

This is spiteful and wrong and hurtful on so many levels. I cannot begin to tell you how much this has hurt me or just how wrong this statement is. No one speaks of my feelings. No one acknowledges my feelings at all. My feelings are somehow left out of the mix here. I want you to understand I am hurt. First off, as you can see from the photo below, I generally eat TWINKIES, not DING DONGS. I also DO NOT watch Oprah, which is also very evident from the photo below.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Is that a 15 foot Palm tree made from bridge iron?

This takes some back story. Dateline Thanksgiving 2006. Like any good story, this one starts with a little alcohol. Our birdfeeders had been robbed the night before (and, quite frankly, every night before). A family of raccoons would empty them every single night. Ellie Mae took a rum punch to the family Thanksgiving dinner. I believe it is called "Red Rooster." Well, she gets to yacking about the racoons and starts yacking to her brother in law. Bro-In-Law is a talented welder, quite artistic and, to be honest, a smartass with a very dry sense of humor. It starts with "you should make me a birdfeeder stand that is racoon proof". Next it goes to "no, it should hold FOUR birdfeeders." And as we were by my sister-in-law's pool, staring at her pool decor of neon palm trees, the Red Rooster says (via Ellie Mae) "You should make us a life sized neon palm tree racoon proof bird feeder holder."

Six months later, an unexpected truck pulls into the yard pulling a trailer. On the trailer is a MASSIVE bird feeder stand. It came in a massive crate. It is at least 15 feet high and has palm fronds cut from junker car sheet metal parts. It is the most massive, sturdiest, heaviest and coolest bird feeder stand I have ever seen in my life. I guarantee this thing weighs near a thousand pounds. (Everyone in Ellie Mae's family builds things well beyond hurricane strength.)

We struggled with it for a couple of hours. After dropping it once and a couple of tacks with the welder, here it stands. It is still braced while the cement cures.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Introducing: BuyMeATractor

Yes, you can now participate in the exciting program where YOU buy ME a tractor. Act now. This is a limited time offer. Some restrictions may apply. Offer not good in all states.

[Later edit: this link is dead... and it isn't worth reincarnating]