Friday, September 23, 2011

Original Sin

There are lots of concepts in the Bible that are not just bad ideas -- they're downright WRONG.  Morally corrupt.  The one that always jumped out at me is Original Sin.  It's the idea that your Mom and Dad were essentially evil at the core and that makes YOU evil.  And you're going to be punished.  The great10000 grandchild of the parent gets punished for the sins of the parent.  Worse still, the supposed "Sin" of Genesis was the desire for knowledge and reason.  The story is just plain evil.  And it's the intro to the whole book, casting a pretty big shadow on the whole thing.  Good is bad.  Light is dark.  Reason is evil.  Ick.

Fast forward to present time and my favorite pitchman for convincing us we're all victims: Elizabeth Warren.  (Oh, you poor dear!  The world has treated you so poorly, making you buy that 3500 square foot house and forcing you to buy that $45,000 car!  IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!)

Her newest pitch seems to be causing a fervor on the internets:
There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there — good for you!

But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that maurauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory, and hire someone to protect against this, because of the work the rest of us did. Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea — God bless. Keep a big hunk of it.

But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.
And there you have it: Original Sin.  Shame on you, you maker of things we want!  We coercively forced people to pay for roads and schools and didn't charge you a dime for using it. Now you actually had the nerve to drive on those roads and hire those educated folks as employees.  You BASTARD!  YOU OWE US! 

If you don't have a victim, make one.  Force them to pay for something they didn't ask for; give it to someone else, then make the victim angry and divert the blame.

Elizabeth Warren is God.  That's not a compliment.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Breakup

I don't know about you... but this is what I read when I read the recent email from Netflix:

Dear Spork,

I messed up. I owe you an explanation.

It is clear from your feedback over the past two months that you felt I lacked respect and humility in the way I announced my intent to fool around and the crabs I gave you.  That was certainly not my intent, and I offer my sincere apology.  Let me explain what I am thinking.

For the past five years, we've had a great relationship.  Cozy.  Safe.  Loving.  And... it's not you, it's me.  Most people are great at something -- like Brad fixes his girlfriend's car or Sharon dresses provacatively to show her large breasts -- do not become great at new things people want (fooling around for me).  So I moved quickly into fooling around, but I should have personally given you a full explanation of why we are splitting up.  It wouldn't have changed giving you crabs, but it would have been the right thing to do.

So here is what I am doing and why.

Many people love the monogamy lifestyle, as I do, because it's traditional and safe.  Monogamy is a great option for those who want a safe, loving environment.

I also love sleeping around because it's part of my nature, and I can have sex anytime I want.  The benefits of polygamy are really quite different from the benefits of monogamy.  I really need to focus on increasing my book of booty calls, without being hassled by monogamy.

So I realized that sleeping around and monogamy are becoming two different lifestyles, with very different risks/rewards, that need to be managed differentlly, and we need to let each grow independently.

It's hard to write this after over 10 years of our relationship, but I think it is necessary:  In a few weeks, I will introduce you to my cousin Thelma.  I chose Thelma because she has a real good personality and wants to get married really REALLY bad.

I promise Thelma will put out.  It may be a new name to you, but she will be monogamous.  One improvement you will see is she has no self esteem and will probably get really freaky with you.  You've been asking for freaky sex for years, but now that you're hooking up with Thelma, you will finally be getting it.  I am sure Thelma has other good traits as well.  A negative of you and Thelma hooking up is that you and I won't be doing it any more.

There will be no crabs (you're done with that!).  If you want to fool around with both me and Thelma, you'll have to work that deal out with her.  I'll let you know when Thelma is ready for your first date.

For me my slutty red dress has always been a source of joy.  Thelma will have a red dress in the same color, but now it will be a size XXL.  I know the XXL size will grow on you over time, but still, it is hard.  I imagine it will be hard for you too.

I want to acknowledge and thank you for sticking with our relationship, and to apologize again for the crabs.

Both Thelma and I will work hard to regain your trust.  I know it will not be overnight.  Actions speak louder than words.  But words help people understand actions.

Respectfully yours,

-Your girlfriend, mother of your children, sex goddess

p.s. I have a slightly longer explanation along with a sex tape with my new boyfriend posted on my blog, where you can also post comments.