Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Breakup

I don't know about you... but this is what I read when I read the recent email from Netflix:

Dear Spork,

I messed up. I owe you an explanation.

It is clear from your feedback over the past two months that you felt I lacked respect and humility in the way I announced my intent to fool around and the crabs I gave you.  That was certainly not my intent, and I offer my sincere apology.  Let me explain what I am thinking.

For the past five years, we've had a great relationship.  Cozy.  Safe.  Loving.  And... it's not you, it's me.  Most people are great at something -- like Brad fixes his girlfriend's car or Sharon dresses provacatively to show her large breasts -- do not become great at new things people want (fooling around for me).  So I moved quickly into fooling around, but I should have personally given you a full explanation of why we are splitting up.  It wouldn't have changed giving you crabs, but it would have been the right thing to do.

So here is what I am doing and why.

Many people love the monogamy lifestyle, as I do, because it's traditional and safe.  Monogamy is a great option for those who want a safe, loving environment.

I also love sleeping around because it's part of my nature, and I can have sex anytime I want.  The benefits of polygamy are really quite different from the benefits of monogamy.  I really need to focus on increasing my book of booty calls, without being hassled by monogamy.

So I realized that sleeping around and monogamy are becoming two different lifestyles, with very different risks/rewards, that need to be managed differentlly, and we need to let each grow independently.

It's hard to write this after over 10 years of our relationship, but I think it is necessary:  In a few weeks, I will introduce you to my cousin Thelma.  I chose Thelma because she has a real good personality and wants to get married really REALLY bad.

I promise Thelma will put out.  It may be a new name to you, but she will be monogamous.  One improvement you will see is she has no self esteem and will probably get really freaky with you.  You've been asking for freaky sex for years, but now that you're hooking up with Thelma, you will finally be getting it.  I am sure Thelma has other good traits as well.  A negative of you and Thelma hooking up is that you and I won't be doing it any more.

There will be no crabs (you're done with that!).  If you want to fool around with both me and Thelma, you'll have to work that deal out with her.  I'll let you know when Thelma is ready for your first date.

For me my slutty red dress has always been a source of joy.  Thelma will have a red dress in the same color, but now it will be a size XXL.  I know the XXL size will grow on you over time, but still, it is hard.  I imagine it will be hard for you too.

I want to acknowledge and thank you for sticking with our relationship, and to apologize again for the crabs.

Both Thelma and I will work hard to regain your trust.  I know it will not be overnight.  Actions speak louder than words.  But words help people understand actions.

Respectfully yours,

-Your girlfriend, mother of your children, sex goddess

p.s. I have a slightly longer explanation along with a sex tape with my new boyfriend posted on my blog, where you can also post comments.


Kari said...

But she wants to stay friends with you. Maybe there's a chance you'll get back together.

Kobë said...

kinda funny lol