The Breakup

I don't know about you... but this is what I read when I read the recent email from Netflix:

Dear Spork,

I messed up. I owe you an explanation.

It is clear from your feedback over the past two months that you felt I lacked respect and humility in the way I announced my intent to fool around and the crabs I gave you.  That was certainly not my intent, and I offer my sincere apology.  Let me explain what I am thinking.

For the past five years, we've had a great relationship.  Cozy.  Safe.  Loving.  And... it's not you, it's me.  Most people are great at something -- like Brad fixes his girlfriend's car or Sharon dresses provacatively to show her large breasts -- do not become great at new things people want (fooling around for me).  So I moved quickly into fooling around, but I should have personally given you a full explanation of why we are splitting up.  It wouldn't have changed giving you crabs, but it would have been the right thing to do.

So here is what I am doing and why.

Many people love the monogamy lifestyle, as I do, because it's traditional and safe.  Monogamy is a great option for those who want a safe, loving environment.

I also love sleeping around because it's part of my nature, and I can have sex anytime I want.  The benefits of polygamy are really quite different from the benefits of monogamy.  I really need to focus on increasing my book of booty calls, without being hassled by monogamy.

So I realized that sleeping around and monogamy are becoming two different lifestyles, with very different risks/rewards, that need to be managed differentlly, and we need to let each grow independently.

It's hard to write this after over 10 years of our relationship, but I think it is necessary:  In a few weeks, I will introduce you to my cousin Thelma.  I chose Thelma because she has a real good personality and wants to get married really REALLY bad.

I promise Thelma will put out.  It may be a new name to you, but she will be monogamous.  One improvement you will see is she has no self esteem and will probably get really freaky with you.  You've been asking for freaky sex for years, but now that you're hooking up with Thelma, you will finally be getting it.  I am sure Thelma has other good traits as well.  A negative of you and Thelma hooking up is that you and I won't be doing it any more.

There will be no crabs (you're done with that!).  If you want to fool around with both me and Thelma, you'll have to work that deal out with her.  I'll let you know when Thelma is ready for your first date.

For me my slutty red dress has always been a source of joy.  Thelma will have a red dress in the same color, but now it will be a size XXL.  I know the XXL size will grow on you over time, but still, it is hard.  I imagine it will be hard for you too.

I want to acknowledge and thank you for sticking with our relationship, and to apologize again for the crabs.

Both Thelma and I will work hard to regain your trust.  I know it will not be overnight.  Actions speak louder than words.  But words help people understand actions.

Respectfully yours,

-Your girlfriend, mother of your children, sex goddess

p.s. I have a slightly longer explanation along with a sex tape with my new boyfriend posted on my blog, where you can also post comments.

The Devil Wears Prada

I don't usually do movie reviews. And I the handful of times I have mentioned a movie it was because I liked it. Not this time.

Now, I don't get out much. And I really don't go to many movies at the movie theater. Ellie May doesn't let me -- but that's another story altogether. So forgive me when I mention a movie that's 3 years old. That's what happens when you only watch Netflix and your queue gets up around 200 flicks. But something about this movie really bothered me -- probably partly because it was well liked by critics and even nominated/received many awards.

The movie is predictable, but this might be a spoiler if you haven't seen it. You have been warned.

The premise of the movie is that being smart and working hard really isn't enough for a chick to succeed in a cut throat business world. In order for the fat girl^[1] to succeed she not only needs to conform, but it's also very important to dress like one of Elliot Spitzer's $2000/hour call girls. Sure, as a red blooded stereotypical male, those outfits (with $100 unmentionables underneath) are appealing... for about one night -- then they can be stored away in the closet next to the catwoman outfit and the loincloth bikini. I'd also like to point out to all you gals that pay to dress like this every day that you're doing it to impress other women -- not to impress men. We wouldn't know a Jimmy Choo if you threw one at us. But, as I so often do, I'm weaving away from the point.

And of course, there is the subplot where you begin to disregard your homely boyfriend^[2] and go for the smooth, slick guy.

Oh, and there's the additional implication that in order to be a successful woman business magnate you have to be an insensitive overbearing bitch. I mean: I'm not all touchy feely and I know whoever is in charge has to be a dickhead every now and then. But I have never seen a CEO that showed utter contempt for his or her administrative assistant. In fact, most of them owe a big part of their success to their "lowly secretary."

Movies are fantasy. I get that. But if you're going to portray a fantasy, have the main chick walk in and tell off the head bitch and walk out -- and let the main bitch realize her mistake. Otherwise it's just ... not recommended.

Notes

1. By fat, I mean only 6 pounds underweight
2. And by homely boyfriend I mean Adrian Grenier who looks like he stepped off the cover of GQ magazine. They don't try to dress him down at all, either.

Scary Movie

Want to see a scary movie? I just saw the scariest movie I have ever seen: Jesus Camp. It's a documentary about a christian camp. Seriously. Scary. (I don't just watch documentaries, honest. If you dont believe me, look at my flickview.)

And the chick that runs the camp says something (paraphrased) like "left wing liberals are going to be shaking in their boots when they see this." Well, I am by no means left wing or liberal, but I am shaking in my boots over it. Not for the reasons she talks about (their power) but for a vast virus of irrationality. There is nothing scarier than that.

A few tidbits that won't spoil it for you

• (Paraphrasing) "those people need to get off their fat lazy butts." (said by a chick that easily tops the scales at 275.)
• (paraphrasing) "who in here believes god can do anything?" (a mom grabs the hands of her kids and physically raises them herself)
  
• talk of the likelihood of demonic manefestations
• there are some military families that absolutely think Iraq is a holy war and meant to spread the word of jebus.
• preaching to a room full of kids under 10 about abortion. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but aren't these the same kids that you don't want to have in sex education? If they can't learn about sex, what bidness do they have getting the abortion talk?
• (paraphrasing) "Its terrible, in Muslim countries they have little 5 and 7 year old kids being taught to blow themselves up and give their life for their cause. We need to do that here." Really? Wouldnt it be better to teach folks the folly of self destruction?
• ...and of course, what god movie is complete without Ted Haggard (who says he talks with our president once a week to give him advice) giving a speech on the damnation to hell for homosexuality. Classic.

In an effort to create as many useless graphs as I can, Ellie Mae has requested (I think she was kidding) I graph our Netflix usage. I can't wait until they change their page layout and break the whole mess.