Monday, December 29, 2008

How to buy gifts for a man: a chick's guide

I know what you are thinking.... I should have posted this before the blessed Solstice event. But I might firstly say I didn't think of it. And secondly: I didn't have examples.

A few weeks before the holidays, I heard more than one chick ask what the hell to buy her significant other. They think we are so complicated. And we are so damn simple. Here is a quick guide:
  1. Tools. I suggested this and one girl said "He has all of the tools he needs." That is like Carrie Bradshaw saying "I have all the shoes I need."
  2. Booze. Beer, Scotch -- you name it.
  3. Unmentionable. Not that this is a family oriented blog, but it ain't adult oriented either. Fill in the blank here. Use your imagination. And yes, it does count as a present. Of course, you might want to limit the number of folks this is bestowed upon ... and maybe don't give it to immediate blood relatives.
  4. And finally: Meat. The universal guy gift. You just cannot go wrong here. Pork chops, sausage, bacon, steaks, big ass roast, anything lamby. If it is warm blooded and walks on 4 legs, you can bet he would like to see it slither onto his plate in a big quivering bloody pile. (That description didn't turn his stomach, but has his complete attention... and possibly has him oddly and inappropriately aroused.)
Just a few personal examples... leaving #3 totally off this portion.

bacon is universal. It will make the toughest man cry. It lets him know you care.

Lamb hunk. Yummy. Rare please.

Bacon flavored floss: tastes like meat while being used to remove excess meat. Win/win.


...and let's not forget the quintessential tool: the spork


Og Make Blog said...

A Spork with a serrated knife-like edge?! Is that legal?

Spork In the Eye said...

Dont you worry. I have a spork conceal & carry.

Anonymous said...

Not only that, it's got very little sp and too much ork..

Spork In the Eye said...

yes, but it's bad form to look a gift spork in the mouth

Enos Straitt said...

The chick in question really would need to know what the man needs in each category as well as knowing good from cheaply made.

As an apprentice geek, I always enjoy gift certificates from Fry's. As a hiker/geocaching geek, certificates from Cabela's, Dick's, Academy, REI, whatever make me happy.

Now to be fair, if a chick buys you cheap booze, beer, etc, then would you still be thrilled? I would say the same about meat but any grilling/smoking geek knows you can make almost any cut, no matter how cheap, taste good with enough smoke and dry rub :-)

Oh, by the way, why was the captcha security word "humpi"?