Thursday, April 16, 2009

Important things I have learned from watching TV

What I have learned from watching COPs

Do not ever let it be said that you cannot learn from watching TV. I have long been a fan of Fox's COPS... as well as a lot of those other crime shows (Forensic Files, 48 Hours, Dateline, etc). But also I have seen, from watching the news and the world around me, that there just are not enough people that watch these shows. If they did, they would learn something.

  • Do not rob your next door neighbor (or the guy three houses down... it pays to extrapolate a little). He knows what car you drive and can describe you to the cops. Drive across town, for christ's sake.
  • If you are going to put on a disguise and rob a relative that is close to you, refrain from using those colloquial names that would be quick to identify you. In other words, try "Give me the money Old Man" not "Give me the money Boompah."
  • It doesn't matter if you are bigger than the cop if he has a gun or a TASER.
  • Tasers hurt like hell.
  • Tasers are fun to shoot.
  • Big nasty guys make a big thud when they are tased and usually scream like children and wet their pants.
  • Divorce is cheaper than a murder trial.
  • It's a bad sign if you get kicked out of your court-required anger management class.
  • It is very hard to look innocent with tattoos on your eyelids.
  • If you get away with murdering your spouse once -- and ESPECIALLY if you give them some obscure drug/poison that is related to your profession -- chalk this up as one for the win column. In no way should you consider the exact same plan for your second (or third) spouse. You should come up with a different plan or maybe even consider that you aren't the marrying type.
  • If you run from the cops for a stupid little infraction, they are honestly going to think you did something bigger and are likely to involve everyone in the department and maybe everyone in the departments of all the municipalities in the area. There is a really good chance you will eat dirt before the night is over.
  • If a cop asks you if you have been drinking, there is never an appropriate time for you to say "I had 2 beers." Every person ever questioned gives this answer. Even if you actually had only 2 beers, you are going to be more believable if you say "I had 3 beers."
  • If you get really drunk, don't steal a car.
  • If you steal a car drunk and wreck it, don't think you can cover it all and make it go away by burning the evidence. This is especially true if it is a well beloved classic car owned by a friend of the family.
  • If you are a hooker and have been arrested enough times that you know the names of lots of the guys in the department -- and you get into a car and think the guy looks enough like Officer Todd that you actually say "You look like Todd" -- then at that point it is a good idea to just ask for a ride somewhere and under no circumstances should you offer sex for money, because it's pretty damn likely that the guy that looks like Todd the cop actually is Todd the cop.
  • If you are an overweight balding man over 30 and a 15 year old girl finds you sexually appealing in an online chat, you are invariably talking to a cop. You are already in trouble and going to meet her is not going to turn out well.
  • If you are having an online liaison with a 15 year old girl -- or a 25 year old girl -- or 35 or 45 or 55 -- it is highly unlikely that she wants to see a picture of your penis. If you doubt this, you probably have never met a woman and may actually need a set of rules for dating instead.
  • If you hit a telephone pole under the influence and think you can sneak home, the cops will actually follow the trail of automotive fluids to your house.
  • If the cops show up at your house 30 minutes after you hit a telephone pole and ask you if you have had anything to drink since you got home, say "YES".
  • If the policemen show up to interview you regarding possible domestic violence charges, it's probably best not to yell "I'm gonna fuck you up" at your spouse.
  • If you are not a suspect do not hang around a crime scene or any group of cops being an asshole.
  • Oh my god, remain silent. They actually give you that option. Use it. Ask for a lawyer.
  • Don't spit on the cops. It won't make things go better for you.
  • If you feel the need to see a prostitute and if you feel the need to take her to a bar, then under no circumstances should you take her to a bar you and/or your spouse frequently visit -- especially if at some point you are planning on killing said prostitute.
  • If you see a really good looking hooker with what appears to be a complete set of teeth walking the streets, she is a cop.

What I have learned from watching Police Dramas

Oddly enough, police dramas teach us things that are totally different from the real life docu-dramas. These lessons are important too.

  • All chicks in law enforcement are super hot. Most are under 30 -- even if they are the high ranking officer. There are no mannish lesbians or grizzled aging women on the force. A corollary to this is that most police uniforms are highly tailored to show the beauty of the female form.
  • Police departments and government offices in general are have ominous mood lighting. There is no bright stark fluorescent lighting in government buildings.
  • When possible, dry erase boards are not actually white. They are clear. Presumably this is so bad guys have no place to hide.
  • Police officers have magnificent vision. They can pick out stuff written on a clear dry erase board.
  • When doctors perform autopsies, they use some cool 3D room that is similar to the holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
  • Any phone call or internet based protocol can be traced accurately to a physical location within +/-5 feet in a matter of seconds. It's done by the police, not the phone companies and never seems to require a warrant. It would be quicker, but the programs that do the trace have to do some neat animation showing all the hops.
  • Fingerprint matching software must physically show a picture of each fingerprint they match against on the screen while it iterates through them. This rendering is a required part of the matching software.
  • Fonts used on all law enforcement computers are 48pt or larger. The officers have ruined their eyes staring at clear dry erase boards and cannot see anything smaller than that.
  • The chief is always corrupt, stupid or a jerk.
  • Any out of focus, underlit picture taken at the lowest resolution, shallow depth of field and at a distance of 500 yards can easily be run through an enhancement computer program which can read fine print on a sheet of stained up notebook paper. However, the photographs of your wedding will forever be blurry, even though you paid $10,000 for them.
  • City offices all use computer monitors that are 70 inches or larger.


bigjohn756 said...

I learn a lot from watching Jeopardy. I learn how few topics I know anything about and how little I know about even those.

You forgot to mention that females on police dramas must dress to the nines and display as much cleavage as they can manage. Not that I object mind you.

Kari said...

You don't object to the dressed to the nines part or the cleavage? ;)

I always like how those same women are wearing 4" heels and fitted skirts while they chase down the bad guys. Yeah, that's realistic.

Spork In the Eye said...

Ellie, we know it's true. It's on TV.

Enos Straitt said...

What I learned was that all phone calls can be traced but it takes 2 minutes to do so.

Spork In the Eye said...

The 2 minutes for the call tracing is due to the really cool zippy animation that overlays a 3D map (complete with buildings and houses). It is the rendering of all that cool animated stuff that takes 2 minutes.

(I can *ALMOST* remember the MML command to do call tracings... but that is just too many years ago. And google was not my friend in remembering it.)

Becky said...

I'm not sure you're on target about wrecking the car and burning the evidence. Seems like a logical next step to me.

bigjohn756 said...

"You don't object to the dressed to the nines part or the cleavage? ;)