Sunday, July 12, 2009

the Beauty Pageant

[ Note: This was topical (maybe) a month ago when I wrote it. I sort of saw it as a reject and never published it. I know what you're thinking: "You mean, there are actually rants you rejected???" But my lack of focus has led me to go ahead and plop it down, just for fun. ]

...and with the firing of Carrie Prejean, the spectacle we know of as "the beauty pageant" is fully exposed as the three ring circus that it always has been. Except in this case, we see that the clowns are hopelessly stuck in their undersized car, the lion has just eaten the trainer and two of the Flying Wallendas have just splatted on the ground -- while the ringmaster continues to bark his spiel under his magnificent big top hat... err, hair hat.

Look, I'm a heterosexual male and I enjoy being a pig and staring at cute chicks just as much as the next straight guy. But come on... these things are just stupid. How stupid? Well, Ms. Prejean shows us exactly how stupid. And let me qualify this by saying: It ain't about Ms. Prejean. She's just a slice of the meatloaf. It's the whole meatloaf that's the problem.

Let's look at what a typical beauty pageant entails:

  • Evening gown - This, in my very important opinion, is the biggest wtf of the lot. What the hell is the evening gown competition but "which chick can shop best?" Sure, it may be indicative of some culture flaw but -- seriously -- She can buy and fill a pretty dress? Really?
  • Talent competition - Well, this actually might make a little sense. A little. Now, let's google and figure out what Ms. Prejean's talent was... Oh. My. Miss USA is a "no talent" competition. Hmmm. Next.
  • Intelligence/Interview - This, in theory, is a half decent idea. Now, I'm the first one to be unable to intelligently rub a subject and a verb together in front of an audience, so I get how these chicks may feel -- afraid of looking stupid and allowing their nerves to take over and sink them like a rock. But the bits and bobbles (or boobles) I've seen in the past were pretty inane questions... generally "are you against hunger?" and "wouldn't world peace be swell?" are about as controversial as it gets. So asking questions that require a thought provoking answer... that's actually not such a bad idea.

The idiocy comes in the judgment of her answer. Let's not quibble here. I totally disagree with her answer. But the hooha over her answer was a bunch of dummies that agreed with her versus a bunch of dummies that disagreed with her. Never did I hear commentary on the mistakes in her reasoning or her lack of presentation skills. I just heard a bunch of bible thumpers taking her under their wing and a bunch of ad hominem attacks calling her a biatch for having a different opinion. I do, however, find it overly amusing that the bible thumpers are ready to make her a traditional marriage icon while ignoring her nudie pictures . And they are apparently okay with...

  • Swimsuit competition - Can we not mince words here? We know what this is. This is a "who is the best piece of ass?" competition. We all know it, so let's just say it. It's not a "scholarship program." It's not like chicks in high school earn a letter jacket in "sweet bikini." In theory, I guess, it's a judging of natural beauty, which brings up a couple of thoughts: First off, is natural beauty really something to brag about? I mean, it's not like its something you create. It's a dice roll of Mom and Dad's DNA. It's like being judged on the fact you have 2 perfectly working kidneys -- nice to have, but really not an accomplishment to brag about. And secondly, the irony. The natural beauty of Ms. Prejean is being judged... with her bleached hair and saline filled breasts. Apparently dark haired, small breasted women need not apply to Miss USA. Heaven forbid you think like yourself and look like yourself.

So let's either chuck this type of competition entirely... or embrace it for what it is. It's those popular chicks in high school with their big hair, perky boobs and cliquey groups admitting they still haven't graduated high school, still don't like you but still want to be adored for the fabulous piece of ass they are. And that's what the contest promoters want: a pretty ornament to send to ribbon cuttings, not a controversial icon to divide the crowd into us versus them.


Kari said...

If Prejean starts making the headlines again, I'm going to blame you for bringing her back. Her 15 minutes of fame was more than enough for me.

And by the way, have I ever told you about my two fabulous kidneys? That's right, I have two of them!

Spork In the Eye said...

I've always thought your kidneys were sort of... hot.

Og Make Blog said...

Hmmm, they must be blonde, too.

Kari, did you ever ask him why he hates rats so much? I don't think it began with the Spord chronicles. You really probably don't realize how much regard Spork holds for you with your ability to take one out on the run with a rock.

Kari said...

No, I have never heard the origins of the rat phobia. Every time I ask, he points off into the distance, shouts, "Hey look, it's Mike Rowe!" then takes off running.